marleysghost77

Thu, 05 Mar 2009 19:05:45 GMT

So, marleysghost77, your LiveJournal reveals...

You are... 100% unique (blame, for example, your interest in obscure movies and music.) and 0% herdlike. When it comes to friends you are normal. In terms of the way you relate to people, you are wary of trusting strangers. Your writing style (based on a recent public entry) is intellectual.

Your overall weirdness is: 109

(The average level of weirdness is: 29.
You are weirder than 99% of other LJers.)

Find out what your weirdness level is!

Something Funny

Tue, 17 Feb 2009 14:49:22 GMT

For the past month or so, I've been seeing the same idiotic diet ad on virtually every site I visit: CNN, local newspapers, Yahoo, etc. You know, the ones that show some average-looking woman who boasts of losing 35 lbs of "stomach fat" by following "one simple golden rule". I clicked on the ad once to see what the Big Secret was, and it turned out to be a three-part golden rule.

1) Drink the company's acai berry supplement, because there is a magic fruit out there that makes you drop weight that has only recently been discovered.

2) Get a colon cleansing, because the reason you're overweight has nothing to do with genetics, diet, or lifestyle, but rather that your body is full of "toxins" that latch onto the calories in your food and turn them into fat.

3) Be childishly trusting and have either some disposable income or a credit card.

Anyway, now that Internet ads have gotten sophisticated enough to pitch to niche interests (I, for example, get baldness cure ads every time I check my email), I noticed a banner ad today for "BBW Personals" (Jesus, what a term). The model in the picture was the same woman in the "before" picture of these stupid diet ads.

Tue, 10 Feb 2009 13:38:23 GMT

I have to hoof off to work in about 50 minutes. Yesterday morning, I woke up at 2 am after passing out at 8:30 pm the previous night. I puzzled and puzzled till my puzzler was sore (credit to Dr. Seuss) and I realized that there IS no answer to my problems with my looks, none that will really make me happy. I cannot change how I look in a way that will satisfy me, and I cannot make anyone really understand how I feel about it except in a sympathetic, stroking sort of way. My choices are to look like a typical muscular badass bald guy or a fat, pathetic bald guy, and I can keep crying and drinking till I'm too old to do anything about it or accept it.

It's tough because usually, acceptance is synonymous with "learning to love it", an asinine concept probably coined by Oprah. I mean, how do you "learn to love" anything? If you don't like something, how does one's opinion change? Nobody has ever given me a good reason...those that have tried were unconsciously telling me to simply dump my own view and adopt someone else's, via "some guys would love to be your size" or "some girls love big men/some girls don't care about looks". I figure most people who disliked their looks were so desperate that they were happy that anyone found them attractive, and even the most modest form of "acceptance" from others pretty much trumped their own views. I've seen it first hand, being a guy who is sexually attracted to chubbier girls. The ones I dated didn't like their size...that is, until someone gave them "permission" to like it. However, that ruined the turn-on for me...for me, what really, REALLY turns me on is someone's thought process. A girl simply being fat doesn't get me off...what does it the idea that she loves being that way, that she finds it sexy. "Loving" it simply because it means you'll get your hole stuffed doesn't count.

Around lunchtime yesterday, I made my decision. I was going to get drunk one last time and then end it. Sure, it makes me feel slick to down nearly a fifth of vodka (mixed with fruit punch or cranberry juice) at work and it amuses me that I can get my simple-minded work done with a pleasant haze, but the potential consequences are too great. I may only be a temp, but if they catch me, I'll get fired and will be ineligible for unemployment benefits, and then I'll be up shit creek, most likely. So, I bought a fifth of Smirnoff (they were out of Gordon's, dammit) and some Ocean Spray and had at it. After work, I went to McDonald's and wolfed down two orders of fries, a double cheeseburger, and a McChicken and then followed it up, less than an hour later, with a three-piece meal from KFC. On the way home, I got off the bus one stop from my usual so I could hit the 7-Eleven for a forty of Budweiser to top off my binge. I never got to it that night...since this morning, I have had two vodka and cranberry juices and am now finishing the beer, and a mild haze is setting in. I'm going to miss it.

Grocery Store

Sat, 07 Feb 2009 01:42:25 GMT

I left work early, around 3 pm. I stopped off at the library, and then decided to go to the Jewel on Lincoln, fairly nicer than the semi-ghetto one five blocks from me.

There was an elderly woman, short, trying to reach a six-pack of juice boxes. She asked for my help and I was eager to get her item for her. Then I proceeded to take the remaining stock and shift it to the front of the rack so it would be easier for others to reach.

As much as I enjoyed helping someone, a part of me hated myself. It's not that I wanted to ignore the old woman...I just hated being such a square, the guy so eager to help someone and everyone else, what with the way everyone has treated me.

15 Minutes to Go...

Fri, 06 Feb 2009 20:49:09 GMT

I'm leaving at 3 since I stayed late Tuesday night. The only reason I managed to do that was because I was fairly drunk and could handle the boredom.

I finally got a hold of my brother again and he agreed to send me pot one more time. It kind of pisses me off the way he acts like it's some big deal. I suppose I can somewhat understand his reticence to send weed through the mail, though it's doubtful he's going to get caught...it just annoys me that I would have done it for him (and did, at least once or twice) and now he acts like a simple trip to UPS is some sort of crippling task. I ordered a whole ounce so that I wouldn't have to ask him again. I have GOT to find a connection here in Chicago... Anyway, hopefully by Wednesday, I'll have something waiting for me when I get home.

Not having weed is a pain, but it also helps make it special. It's sort of a paradox...the more you deprive yourself of something, the more you enjoy it when you do have it. Back when I could get weed with one phone call, it wasn't a big deal, but I know how great I'll feel next week when I get a package in the mail.

Thinking About Weekend....

Thu, 05 Feb 2009 20:10:06 GMT

I've done maybe two hours of work today...I inventoried two boxes of masters for manuals that aren't going to be produced anymore and then did a cut/paste/format on four Excel sheets. Otherwise, I've been looking at the Internet on the sly and thinking about the weekend.

I'm out of pot and about to try quitting alcohol again, so I called my brother. Once again, he told me I really should find my own connection in this city, but that's not easy...I made subtle remarks to two of my neighbors (and I SWEAR someone in my building smokes...I can smell it, but what am I supposed to do, knock on doors?), the guys who moved my bed for me last year, a guy at Best Buy who looked at my computer, and even a guy in a head shop (though I know that's a big no-no). I even got ripped off for $40 from some black guy who offered to get me anything - coke, pills, etc. - and who gave me a plastic bag that contained about five nondescript pills when I asked for weed. I tossed the pills out...there were no markings on them. Anyway, it's not like I'm pestering him every other week or anything...

He won't ship USPS anymore because he's afraid of getting caught. I told him he can just pack the stuff in coffee grounds if he's nervous...it's not like they have dogs sniffing all the mail and it's not like he's sending me huge amounts, but I admit that the consequences could be severe. On Tuesday, I asked him if he would consider shipping to me via UPS or FedEx, both independent carriers that could probably give two fucks. He told me he'd "think about it"...if not, I'll have to drop about $40 extra for a train trip back to to Michigan.

Except for the train fare, which I'd rather not pay for, I wouldn't mind a night out of town, even if it's just going to my brother's place. The last time I stayed there over night, he went out with his friends and left me at home, which was kind of rude except that I didn't care since I had pot and didn't mind the novelty of channel-surfing for a few hours. I don't watch TV myself, and while it's fun to lay around watching it when high a few times a year, it's not something I'm going to get myself. Still, I wonder if he just sees me as his loser brother he has to put up with.

I'm still waiting to hear about a possible permanent job here. It would be a step down from what I'm used to, but after this last year of temping, I'm willing to slum it for a bit, especially since 1) my bankruptcy allows me a fairly low overhead, meaning that even a job making $40K would leave me with at least a grand a month in savings, and 2) it would make a nice foothold for finding a better job. It's in a good location and I could use their facilities for things like printing resumes (you have no idea how much Office Max charges you to print even black and white stuff). I did a good interview last week and I figure I should know within a week what gives. If not, I've got at least one more week here (maybe longer) and I suppose I can subsist on unemployment for awhile after that. Plus, I may have a tax refund coming...doing the math last night, I made something like $22,000 last year. I can't believe I managed to live on that.

I'm so bored that I think I'll head over to CVS and pick up some vodka and fruit punch and mix up some gorilla blood at my desk. I don't mind the busywork they give me to do, but having to sit here for the next two and a half hours with nothing is pretty hard to deal with.

Thu, 29 Jan 2009 02:35:46 GMT

I'm sitting here, trying to watch Pixar's "Wall-E", but can't really get into it. I'm depressed, really depressed. It isn't the sort of angry or weepy sort of depression I might get if I were drunk.

I quit drinking on Monday and started working out Tuesday. However, I've been having suicidal thoughts ever since. Okay, not REAL suicidal thoughts, since I don't have the guts to kill myself, but just a sort of sad resignation. I wonder if I was happier when I was miserable, drinking a fifth of alcohol and eating two frozen pizzas a night. Granted, that didn't really make me happy, and I don't really crave alcohol or junk food, but what's left now is this really empty feeling.

I'm lonely and I don't think there is a solution for it. I've always been lonely, ever since I was very young, and when I think back at the few "friends" I did have, it makes me angry since virtually all of them fucked me over in one way or another. One stole my mom's jewelry and said I stole it, giving it to her to sell. Another led me on over and over again, ditching me without explanation for months. The list goes on and on.

I suppose I feel physically better now that I'm exercising, but I still feel a sense of hopelessness. I know being in shape is better than being fat, and because I was downing a fifth a night, I was gaining weight at an alarming rate. Still, though, it bothers me to know that I'm not ever going to achieve what I want. It makes me angry to think of getting in shape and having someone compliment me, since I'll have worked so hard for a body I don't want, for potential attention that I'll only resent and will only make me feel worse.

There's a sense of hopelessness. Hopelessness that I'll never get a decent job. I actually learned that the company I've been temping for since December is hiring an administrative assistant, and I'm probably interviewing for the job on Monday. It's $10K less than I made last year as an executive assistant, and I don't want to be an assistant of any kind anymore, but I calculated that I'd have about $1500 left over every month after paying my rent and bills, plus giving myself a generous food budget and factoring in at least half an ounce of pot a month. That made me happy for a bit, and I told myself that even if it's semi-crummy pay and I'd be nothing but a fucking administrative assistant, at least it would get me by till I could find something better. I'm still pinning my hopes on finding some writing work, hopefully in advertising or corporate communications, and some guy online has agreed to do my website for free.

It's only 8:30 and I'm starting to yawn. Last night I went to bed at 9:30. I've been waking up at 5:10 every morning to go to the gym...I guess this is the byproduct.

I thought about trying to talk to someone, but that never got me anywhere. Lately I've been thinking about how much I hate people, even those who have been somewhat nice to me because of how stupid and ineffectual their answers and suggestions were. I find myself trying to find ways I can be meaner and more selfish to people, to take pleasure in hurting someone for the fun of it, but even then I want people to see the supposed "tragedy" of someone who was once kind until they learned that it was smarter to just fuck everyone else. I thought these feelings of anger only came out when I drank, but they've been with me even after I tossed out the last empty plastic fifth of foul-tasting Seagram's.

250.5...

Wed, 28 Jan 2009 15:26:26 GMT

Well, I managed to avoid alcohol yesterday. After finding out from the IT guys that there was no way to save my 50GB worth of music (four years worth of stuff, including bootlegs I may never get again), I was filled with anger. Anger that I didn't have the $900 it would cost to retrieve the data, anger that when I mentioned the incident to the person who gave me the drive, they shrugged it off as no big deal (I didn't expect them to pay for it, but it would have been nice if they seemed sincerely sorry it happened), anger that after this had happened to me twice before, I was back at the starting point. The rest of the day at work, I thought about going to the CVS two blocks away, getting a bottle, and hazing out...but I didn't. The only thing that stopped me was knowing how many calories were in the bottle, that it would negate my first day of working out, that I'd just be back at Square One.

I didn't go to the gym last night though I told myself I would, and I had two helping of chicken noodle soup. It wasn't exactly a pigout, but I know I need to curtail this sort of behavior if I want to get anywhere.

This morning, my alarm went off at 5:10 and I let myself lay there another 15 minutes. At 5:23, I said, "Fuck it", laughing a bit since that's usually what I say when I decide to stay in bed, but I braved the cold and hit the gym for my first day back on cardio.

I started on the treadmill...it wasn't that bad for the first ten minutes, though it got more challenging towards the end. There are now TVs installed on the treadmills, which I liked not because I wanted to watch something (I left mine dark and listened to Meat Loaf instead), but because I figured the extra weight would help anchor the machine so my 250-lb self didn't make it earthquake out while the 80-lb Asian girl next to me floated six inches above the belt. The last five minutes were rough, but I watched my reflection in the glass, making angry faces as I thought of the people around me. I was the tallest and maybe the heaviest one there, though maybe not the one in the worst shape, but I didn't care...I felt like the tiny girls on each side were mocking me (though they were like every other girl and ignored me), as was my reflection, my broad shoulders bouncing with each stride. Towards the end, I was grunting ("Huhh!") and feeling good that I was the only one making any noise, hence I felt maybe I was working harder than some of the others.

The verdict was 2.15 miles in 21 minutes, done as interval training...two minutes warmup at level 4, followed by one minute each at 5,6,7, and 8. I did 5-6-7-8 four times and then added a minute at level 9 before cooling off with 2 minutes at level 3-4. Not bad. I supplemented with 10 minutes on the elliptical, doing a mile. I have no idea how this ranks with anyone else, but it wasn't too bad for me.

I couldn't resist weighing myself before I left. 250 and a half pounds. I dismissed this as water weight, and my pants feel about the same today as yesterday, but I figured any drop on the scale is a good thing.

Fri, 21 Nov 2008 19:32:43 GMT

Last day at my current job. I have done about 15 minutes worth of work today...basically cutting and pasting a revised "Motor Vehicle Policy" into the 45-50 summer and fall semester guides. The company I've been at for the last four weeks is a nonprofit that runs study abroad programs in Europe, Asia, and South America. It hasn't been a bad gig, really...work was mostly steady and when it wasn't, I was free to go online or do whatever.

One good thing is that I've been able to mow through a lot of music I had lying around. I'm mostly over the loss of my hard drive, even though I still recall music on it that I might never get back. When I found out that the drive had crashed and that it would cost nearly a grand to recover my music, what angered me as much as losing the music was the horrible serendipity, the bad luck behind it. First I was unemployed. Then my car had a minor accident. Then my car was broken into. Then my car was totaled. Then I'd find a job and it would last maybe two weeks and I was given some vague reason as to why they were letting me go. Losing the music I had worked so hard to collect for the past several years was even harder because it had happened a few years earlier. I had a CPU hard drive crash on my last computer, losing pretty much all my files, and since I didn't have a car, I had the indignity of lugging the fucking thing down Hollywood Blvd. to the Best Buy down on Santa Monica Blvd. The capper was that whenever I told anyone what had happened, they smiled at me and said "Guess now you'll learn to back up your files, huh?" like me losing all my music and files was no big deal. Anyway, I finally realized that I'd just have to start over, and I supposed being sentenced to re-listen to a ton of music I can get a hold of for very little money isn't exactly the worst thing that can happen.

I'm preparing for my upcoming period of unemployment. I revised my resume and emailed it to about fifty contacts I had found by combing through about 18 months worth of sent e-mails. I've asked my employment agency to prepare a list of my earnings at this last job so I can take it with me to Unemployment on Monday. While I was working, I couldn't go down to UE to plead my case, and they wouldn't answer my voicemails or emails, so I made a last-ditch effort and wrote a letter detailing my case and why I should get benefits and mailed it along with labeled copies of all previous documents to the woman who initially rejected my claim. Somehow, it worked, and I was awarded three weeks worth of benefits. Hopefully, I'll be able to reopen my claim with no problem...I've worked more than four weeks here, made more than I would have made on UE, and was not fired, so I should be okay. I also checked out Craig's List. I found about 20 prospects posted in the last two weeks, so this weekend, I'll send out resumes. I feel a bit more open about employment...now that my living expenses have gone down so much, I can actually consider taking a low-paying job if it could lead to something better, even experience.

My bankruptcy filing is coming up. I'm still a bit unsure if I'm doing the right thing by going cheap and simply hiring a paralegal. On one hand, she's about 30% of what any attorney should charge me, and it should be a pretty simple matter: I don't have a permanent job, I have absolutely nothing that they can get out of me assets-wise. However, I heard that if you fuck up anything in your initial filing, they'll reject you outright and not let you file for another year. Also, apparently there is a "creditors' meeting" that is set up like a month after you file...I presume it's in case they want to send some lawyer in to argue the validity of your claim. "They probably won't even show," the one lawyer I talked to assured me, and it makes sense. I don't know how they can find out about my financial situation and ability to pay, but I suppose that's included in the filing. Part of me wants to stall the filing and see if I can hire a lawyer for maybe a grand, but I'm starting to get more and more calls from creditors. It's really fucking annoying and completely ineffective if their mission is to get me to pay them. It's always the same...some Indian guy reading from a script, asking me to send them a payment. I tell them I don't have the money, tell them I'm unemployed, and they apologize for bothering me. Simple enough, except that the next day, it's a different polite Indian guy on the phone, asking you the SAME questions. I've grown bored with even talking to them since it doesn't make the calls lessen, and since I get very few calls at all, I've been leaving my phone off. In the last 24 hours, one number has tried to reach me eight times. It's easy to tell who the creditors are...their calls come from unfamiliar area codes.

Once this bankruptcy goes through, it'll be a godsend. I can pay all my regular bills each monthly pretty easily...having no debt would mean I wouldn't have to worry about clothes wearing out, about an unexpected $100 expense here and there. I'd actually have some savings each week. I haven't been in that situation for so long that it sounds to me like winning the lottery. I could care less about my credit rating, really...I have no plans to buy anything big in the near future and haven't used a credit card since July. I don't need a car in this city, I certainly won't be in a position to consider buying a place for at least another five years...about the only real "luxury" I can think of trying to attain in the next half-decade would be moving to a slightly better apartment.

Thu, 06 Nov 2008 17:02:57 GMT

Just clicked reload on the page to remove the horrible picture of Paris Hilton, in her Alluring pose...

It's been a long time since I've written. I've had a number of setbacks that I really don't feel like writing about. My temp job ended...same old story: did about a week's worth of work and otherwise had to sit around doing nothing for eight more weeks. Every time I asked them for more work, they'd tell me to "sit tight", and then I'd spend the day online and wondering if every closed door or whispered conversation was about how I was about to be let go. Finally, in late September, they finally realized that they were paying me to check my email every fifteen minutes, get myself up to Level 3 on Yahoo Answers, and read The Onion AV Club and every news source or screenplay I could find. Still, I wasn't fired and apparently they said good things about me.

I spent about a month unemployed, with no income coming in. IDES predictably fucked up my unemployment benefits twice and still haven't come through with about a grand that is due me. See, they decided to reject my claim from my job from April-June because I walked out on it since I realized I'd get fired by the end of the week and I was sick of hearing the boss yell at me. About two weeks later, I got the job that I mentioned above, the one I worked from July-September, so it didn't matter that I was rejected...there's always an interim week between when your job ends and benefits begin. Well, when I went to reopen my claim in September, they rejected me based on what happened at the April-June job, although I explained to them that I had worked nine weeks for a company that laid me off and would be happy to verify it. I was told to bring in pay stubs, so I biked down to the Loop, got a list of all the checks issued to me, and brought it back to the unemployment office, where it was photocopied. Two weeks pass, with me subsisting on the little food left in the fridge, and then they reject me YET AGAIN, this time because they explain that I need to work at least four weeks and make more than I would get in benefits. Which was clearly explained in the paperwork I had brought in weeks before.

Since then, I haven't been able to get down to unemployment to explain the situation in person. I tried calling and emailing to no avail and on Tuesday, I photocopied all the forms (the list of my checks proving I worked 9-10 weeks and what I made, both rejection letters), labeled them with Post-Its, and wrote a detailed letter explaining the mistake that had been made. By now, they've received it and I can only hope that they realize the mistake and release three weeks of past benefits to me. Now that all that has been explained...

I found another temp job at a company that runs study abroad programs for students. It's not a bad place to be...I've been here almost two weeks and they've committed to me for at least one more. Work started slowing down two days ago after I found out how to streamline the processes for transferring info from one spreadsheet to another and probably tripling the speed of the assignment since I didn't have to simply go back and forth, retyping everything. Since 10:30 yesterday, I've had two tasks: scan about 70 pages of material into one file (15 minutes work, taking into account numerous feeder jams) and, just recently, filling out a vendor request form (5 minutes). Since we're waiting to get revisions to their guidebooks till tomorrow, I'm not too worried about the job being cut short, but I'm going to try to stretch out the editing work next week. No reason to get punished with early dismissal for trying too hard...ironic, huh? Neither I nor they know if they will have other work for me afterwards.

I've decided to declare bankruptcy. I decided after my last job ended and I realized that my creditors simply would not get paid. My credit rating is probably already fucked, especially since my accounts are now going on two months past due. After the bankruptcy, I can get started rebuilding my credit. All my accounts are closed and I haven't used a credit card for even a small purchase since July. There is nothing I plan to buy on credit or finance in the next several years...I can deal with my current apartment for awhile or, if I somehow end up with a great job, I could always talk to my current leasing company and see what other properties they have available. I don't need a car. I have nothing that can be repossessed. Moreover, the idea of being debt-free sounds to me like winning the lottery...I'd finally be able to start saving money AND also be a lot more flexible with my job search. Even $35,000 a year would allow me to eat like a king, pay all my modest bills, and have some left over.

The only hitch to this is that bankruptcies cost money. I've met with both a paralegal and an attorney. It's tempting to do it through the paralegal...it's only $300 and the attorney I met with quoted me something like $1700. On one hand, this is about as uncomplicated a bankruptcy as it gets; on the other, if I fuck up the paperwork in any way, they'll reject the bankrupcty and I won't be able to file again for a year. Right now, I'm still waiting either to find out if my current temp job will be extended and/or if my past unemployment benefits will be granted.
I just hope I can file soon...only two of my creditors have been pestering me (almost daily) for a payment, and it's always been Indians who are polite and nonconfrontational...however, explaining to them that calling me five days a week isn't going to elicit a payment does no good...they have a script they stick to and that's it. Once I start going to collections, things will be much different, so I've heard.

I can't really bring the journal up to speed without acknowledging, of course, the election. I wasn't that surprised Obama won, but I regret not trying to go to the rally in Grant Park. I spent Election Night grocery shopping...Costco was nearly deserted and I was able to get enough food for the next two weeks, I figure. I know better than to put too much faith in politicians, though hearing that unemployment benefits may be extended helps.

I'll probably sit here until 4:30 with little if any work to do, go home, and do laundry and give my place a super-cleaning. My brother will be in town tomorrow to pick up his girlfriend from an extended vacation (she's been gone like eight months) and he's bringing me some weed. I haven't smoked since end of September, so it's going to feel wonderful. And anyone telling me I should use that money to pay a creditor or two can go get a tub of Crisco and find a hole in a fence.

Mon, 08 Sep 2008 03:49:17 GMT

It felt really good to go to the bank, top off my account, and take 200 dollars in cash for myself. I went to Costco and ended up spending about $125, though at least half of that was for non-food items like razor blades and contact lens stuff. I'm guessing that I have enough fabric softener to last me for the next year or two, at least, and enough razor blades to last for the next six months. The little fuckers cost me two bucks a blade, roughly, but since I'm shaving my head now, that's a lot cheaper than a haircut every 4-6 weeks.

I stopped a woman cleaning up at Costco and asked her what starting pay was. We talked for a few minutes and I calculated that if I got a job at Costco, I could make roughly $150 extra a month, more than a week's pay at Jewel. I spoke to one of the managers after checking out and he said they weren't hiring this month, but to fill out an application online and check back in October. Costco is also not unionized, so I wouldn't have to worry about any bullshit dues...Jewel has a union, though I don't have to pay dues for the first month...about all the union would do for me is guarantee at least 16 hours a week. A union for employees making $8 an hour...what bullshit! I guess it matters more if it's your only job and want total job security and maybe health care. Anyway, I'm going to apply and see what happens...it's about twice as far to ride, but it's also situated between work and home, so I might be able to simply ride there after work and do a quick clothes-change.

I worked again tonight. It was pretty uneventful...I helped an Asian guy with limited English pick out a 12-pack of beer and felt pretty good afterwards. Sometimes I chide myself for feeling so good when I help people...not that I think I should be rude or anything, but I really try to make people feel good. This morning, on my way back from my second trip to Costco (for Asian vegetables, peaches, and oranges), I saw a sad-looking old Asian guy and I said "Good morning" to him as I passed...he just looked sort of lost and forgotten. I figure that since people have always been so terrible to me, I need to learn to be terrible back.

I've been thinking that perhaps the answer to my problem isn't to get a girlfriend, but to learn to live with being alone. I mean, I'm guessing that the sex issue will come up pretty quick, and I don't know if I really want to lie to someone on a long-term basis about it.

No work this week...I have to work all day Saturday and half a day Sunday. I wonder if this is because I can't be in by 6pm....I hope this won't be my regular schedule.

Sat, 06 Sep 2008 13:21:11 GMT

Got up at 7:20 this morning and laughed to myself...if I had to work today, I'd have time to make breakfast and take a shower and still get to work on time. So much for sleeping late, though I got out of that habit a long time ago. In high school, sometimes I'd sleep till 11 on Sundays because I'd be up late watching movies downstairs, but since then, if I'm in bed later than 8:30, it either means I'm sick or have a very late night.

My ride home felt a bit sluggish, yet I still made decent time, especially since I had to taken about ten minutes to pick up my check from the temp office a few blocks from work. I didn't bother to cash it yet - I'm flat broke, but I used the last of my ground turkey to make spaghetti Thursday night, so I at least had something to eat.

Work was more of the same. I alternated between castigating myself for being stuck in this position and resolving to get my writing samples online and start applying...I found seven writing jobs on Craig's List the other night. The checkout TVs blared incessantly, the same goddamn ten minutes of material (all of which I've memorized...see below), the same smarmy voices talking about how "Lisa Marie Presley shocked the world by becoming a Scientologist, marrying Nicolas Cage and Michael Jackson, and then producing her own hit album", the same irritating slide-whistle cartoon featuring "Scully from Danger Rangers" offering pool safety ("the first rule is...have fun! The second, no running in the pool area...it might be slippery, and you don't want to fall and hit your head. Third, always listen to the lifeguards...they know what they're doing. Now you're Danger Ranger ready!"). Since I'm in frozen food, I also get hit by another TV mounted over the dairy section. They got rid of the eyeshadow commercial ("Ladies...if you want your own Mr. McDreamy to notice your eyes..."), but replaced it with something worse, a brief story about a 10-year-old college student (I sneered when they announced he was attending East Los Angeles College, but the perky announcer noted that he would be transferring somewhere else for an advanced degree). I hate stories about smart kids, mostly Asian and Indians, because I remember the arrogance of the smart kids I always met in school. You'd think that with such brains, they wouldn't be so utterly rude, but they always were. Then again, part of it is utter jealousy...when you hear about a kid entering college at age ten while you're stocking freezers with ice cream and your fingers are hurting from the cold, you can't help but feel like that much more of a loser.

With 15 minutes left to go, I decided to waste some time and restock the ice. I had already filled the coolers with about ten bags early in the night, but figured I'd force myself to get a bit more exercise, so I carried two bags up from the basement and across the store. It was only 85 lbs, but it was heavy as hell and it was hard for me to keep my mouth closed and not breathe hard while I did it. I saw that 16-year-old girl from my orientation...she smiled and said hello and I noticed again how pretty she is. I also once again noted how enormous her ass was and sneaked a peek or two while loading the last of the ice into the front cooler.

On the way home, I once again watched the crowds of people in the bars that lined Clark Street. People with good jobs, having fun while I was in sticking my fingers in my mouth to heat my fingers up (though I wear two sets of gloves on the floor). I wasn't horribly tired and told myself that if I wanted, I could cash my checks and get some booze, but I wasn't in the mood.

I have the whole day off today and don't work till 6 tomorrow night, which is nice, and I'm trying to think of ways to fill my time. I guess the one good thing about being poor is that even the small things become a big deal...the highlight of my week is grocery shopping. Thursday night, I spent at least an hour making a meal plan for the next two weeks, along with a shopping list, so I'll go out to Costco, Jewel (not the one I work at), and Aldi and stock up. I'm completely out of meat anyway, and I finally plan on figuring out just how much I will be spending on food per week...I was generous when planning my meals.

I have only one movie to watch, a Bob Dylan biopic called "I'm Not There" (I keep forgetting the title). I'm going to hit the library and maybe find somewhere to read instead of holing up in my little place.

Alcohol is another thing on my mind. I have just under 12 weeks till Thanksgiving and I know that boozing isn't going to cut it. I haven't had a drink since Tuesday, if I remember correctly. As mundane as my second job is, it keeps me busy enough that I don't reach for alcohol out of sheer boredom, and being broke this week also helped, obviously. I'm going to Costco, where the booze isn't necessarily cheaper than your average grocery store, but you can get better quality stuff for the same price. If memory serves, a magnum of Jack Daniel's costs the same as a magnum of Beam (as Slash once put it, "the poor man's Jack Daniel's"). I'm really not sure what I want to do. I know that buying it means I'm prolonging any weight loss, both due to the high calorie and fat content in alcohol and because it makes skipping the gym that much easier, gives me another good excuse not to bother.

My stomach is rumbling...I feel hungry, but nothing sounds good right now. Granted, I don't really have much I can eat or make except an omelet (which I have almost every time I have breakfast...I'm actually buying ingredients to make a breakfast quiche for this week), eat more spaghetti (forget it...I still have a bunch at work), or maybe a bowl of oatmeal (no go since I don't have milk). I can't think of a single thing I'd want, not even if I went out for breakfast (no way) or went to the store and bought anything I wanted.

Fri, 05 Sep 2008 21:00:24 GMT

Finally I can take a breath.

When I got in this morning, there was an email from the boss to our dept. asking for a few slides. Among the pics she wanted were team photos of the Bears, Cubs, Bulls, and some of the Olympic teams. There are no fucking formal team pictures online, at least no current ones. You'd think it would be the most basic thing...I've seen them in plenty of programs in the past. I tried subbing in some action pictures, but those weren't good enough, I guess.

I did the 10-page presentation in maybe 15 minutes while talking to someone on YM and felt pretty good about myself. 10:30 and the job was done. The boss finally saw the work at around 2 pm and was pissed... It was the first one I had done for them, so it's not like I knew all the little rules about formatting, like making sure there was very little white space between pictures. I can already tell the boss is a real pain in the ass...even when we've been on good terms, she's a very "in your face" person. I began rushing to create the rest of the slides and fix the others.

Of course, I had to piss during this time...I don't know if it was out of nervousness or just rotten luck, but I peed three times within two hours. Each time, I'd stand there and think what would happen if I lost my job. They say there is low turnover at this job, and I just learned that my annoying co-worker is moving next month, so my job seems more secure. Still, firing me is just a phone call away and after this disastrous year, every whisper and every time one of the bosses calls someone from the department into their office, I figure the conversation is about me and how they're going to let me go.

The drama is over now...she saw the results and didn't complain any more, so the disaster is hopefully averted. I have about an hour left here till I hop on my bike, go home, and go to my second job. I cursed myself out around 11 am because I forgot to call in my hours before 10 am (meaning I couldn't pick my paycheck up at noon). However, my card is signed and ready to go, and I figure I'll just cash it at the bank a few blocks from the store.

Thu, 04 Sep 2008 14:44:45 GMT

Sure enough, it started raining very early this morning, so I congratulated myself for bringing my bike up to my apartment. I used to bring it up every night, but lately I've been locking it up to a tree outside and trusting the neighborhood gangbangers to avoid trashing it. It's not the most tempting target...the only real damage they could do would be break some of the spokes or maybe slash the seat (which is already getting slightly ragged). Because there were supposed to be high winds today, I treated myself to a bus ride. It's very cloudy but barely sprinkling outside, so I wished I had just rode, but it's supposed to be rainy and windy all day, so maybe it'll get worse...hopefully.

I read the new Entertainment Weekly on the bus and resolved once again to cancel my subscription the next time it comes due. I've been getting the magazine for nearly 18 years (as of next month)...I don't know if it's a sign of getting older or of declining quality, but I had little interest in anything they were reporting. I could care less about the stupid "90210" series, nor any of the movies they were reviewing...it all just seemed so stupid. All the shows and movies seemed either based on some lame, overdone supernatural idea (superheroes, vampires) or the lifestyles of impossibly rich people fucking each other and then splurging for facials in Palm Springs. It all just seems so trashy and frivolous. On my first day at the grocery store, the little Indian guy I worked with told me he wanted to write a mystery novel but was having trouble. I suggested he write something set in a grocery store. "Nah, nobody wants to read about that," he demurred, but I told him something interesting and funny could be done...think of all the different characters there could be. Whenever I see something involving "the little people" and their world, I find it more engaging than the exploits of some spoiled bimbo and her equally rich 17-year-old friends living in Malibu and hooking up with guys who drive Porsches, but that's just me, I guess. That is what most people want to read about...like Jack Lucas says in "The Fisher King": "We want to hear about fancy hotel rooms, the backseats of limousines, new and interesting uses for champagne corks...the lives of the people we wish we could be."

In a way, "Mad Men" is like that for me. It's not a stupid show at all, though it's a bit soapy...most of the characters are fucking someone on the side, one account exec fucks his boss' new secretary during her first week on the job...if I had one complaint, it would be that there's a bit too much of it. I have no problem with sex in movies and on TV, but in this case it seems to undercut the reality a bit too much. Still, it's a minor complaint about a good show that may very well not make it to a third season, since people are too busy watching "America's Got Talent" or "Gossip Girl" or some other bullshit.

I got in fifteen minutes late and had a problem with my monitor. My boss has always been really nice, so I shouldn't feel so timorous about an occasional late day, but it pissed me off that I'd have problems on the day I want to slip by and remain inconspicuous. The problem was solved quickly, and my lumbering co-worker, with her rap music and her clogged sinuses, came in ten minutes later anyway...I was sort of glad to not see her on my bus. The first time I did, I tried to greet her when we got off and she told me not to follow her. It was probably just a curmudgeonly joke, but her shtick began to wear on me and now I ignore her...I probably haven't spoken to her in a week.

I get the night off, which will be nice after two nights in a row of double-shifts. I'm going to go to the gym, make some spaghetti and meatballs because the parsley I bought is living on borrowed time, and finish the disc of "Mad Men". I've got two new movies coming today - "Son of Rambow" and "I'm Not There" - that'll fortify me through the weekend ahead.

My co-worker turns the music to Alice In Chains' "No Excuses", a song I've never liked, but it's still light years better than rap.

Thu, 04 Sep 2008 04:06:49 GMT

Home from work. It wasn't quite as bad tonight...I spent most of the night false-facing and left the place looking pretty good. My first job was uneventful...my boss emailed me that the stats I found were fine and she wanted me to find some old Virginia Slims ads to use...a ten-minute search found five big ones. I didn't end up meeting with her yesterday. The only other work I did was a ten-minute proofread job.

I'm going to get my portfolio together tomorrow and see about starting to apply for jobs. I also got an email from a temp coordinator I know...she has a well-paid assistant position that I could very well get an interview for. Time will tell.

I think I'm going to watch some "Mad Men" and go to bed. It's supposed to rain tonight, so I brought my bike inside and figure I'll probably have to bus it tomorrow. Tonight's ride home was pretty tough with the winds coming off Lake Michigan, and it's supposed to be rainy and windy all tomorrow.

Wed, 03 Sep 2008 04:02:15 GMT

Home from work. I feel tired, run-down, and angry.

I made it home at terrific speed...I should have timed myself. I don't know why I was less lethargic, but almost nobody passed me and one guy with a road bike kept trading off with me...I wouldn't let him get far ahead.

The frozen food section was fucking trashed and the ice chests were also in need of filling. I hauled nearly 500 lbs of ice from the basement, but it took me almost ten minutes just to get through the store. People seemed to act like I wasn't there...I mean, I'm fucking 6'3" and I'm hauling a quarter-ton of ice...think you can move your cart a foot or two? At least four times, I'd end up coming to a standstill while some idiot purposely ignored me and I waited for them finish their shopping.

The asshole boss was in and scolded me about "false-facing" again. It's damn near impossible to keep the section clean. First of all, most frozen food is packaged either in smooth cardboard or slick plastic bags, vacuum sealed. One touch and you're rewarded with a cascade of frozen pizzas, mixed vegetables, or microwave meals. The latter was what most people wanted, the lazy fuckers, something that they can heat in three minutes rather than spend 15 minutes cooking at night. You know, 'cause they're too busy watching "American Idol" or something to bother. Then they bitch and wonder how come they end up overweight, when they're eating meals loaded with fat and sodium. I couldn't help but look at the labels on some of the products and was appalled at how loaded some of that shit was.

I stood there, restocking and rearranging, listening to the inane chatter from the TVs near the registers. They're programmed on a five-minute loop, so by the time you've left, you've heard the same irritating PSA on swimming pool safety for kids (complete with a recurring slide whistle that makes you grip the utility knife in your pocket and clench your teeth), the same celebrity biography on Lisa Marie Presley, the promo for "America's Greatest Dog". The one that really drove me insane was about hair loss...some bullshit about how you could stave it off with proper nutrition. Like anyone in America is losing their hair because they're starving.

I kept telling myself, "You need to find something better. You've finished recreating those ads....now get your ass in gear and start applying for real jobs. Jobs that pay real money, so you can tell these people to take a flying fuck at the moon and take their eight dollars an hour and cram it." I only hope that I can do so.

I'm yawning now. I have a DVD of "Mad Men", but I'm too tired to watch. I have to work tomorrow, as well...I'm going to sleep well after two days of double duty. After that, I have at least one day off (meaning I only have to work at one job, for eight hours plus commute).

Bored

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 21:24:09 GMT

I have about forty minutes till I'm outa here. I usually try to sneak out 15 minutes early, but there is a slight chance the boss will want to meet with me about this project, so I'd better stick around. I have to work tonight, but I think I'm scheduled for 6:30, not 6:00, and the bosses know that I simply cannot ride home, shower, change, then ride to the store in an hour's time. If I didn't have to change, I could do it.

I'm still pissed that I may not get that $100 loan from my mom and stepdad. Assuming so, I'll just have to go out tomorrow and buy enough food to get me through the next week. I'll get smacked with an overdraft, but it won't be the world's end, and hopefully it will be the last fee I get hit with.

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 21:04:59 GMT

1. Gum: Black Jack
2. Restaurant: The Berghoff, Chicago
3. Drink: Root beer
4. Season: Winter
5. Type of weather: Snowstorm
6. Type of emotion: Um, favorite emotion?
7. Late-night activity: Getting high
8. Sport: Baseball, though I don't care for any sport, really
9. City: Chicago or New York
10. Store: Allen-Edmonds

When was the last time you...

11. Cried: Not sure
12. Played a sport: Volleyball at Fourth of July party
13. Laughed: Probably at something on YouTube last night
14. Hugged someone: Probably someone's girlfriend at Lollapalooza
15. Kissed someone: Probably my last long-term date, June '06
16. Felt depressed: This morning
17. Felt overworked: Don't know, though I do have two jobs
18. Felt sick: Probably a hangover a few months ago

What was the last...

19. Word you said: "Sure"
20. Thing you ate: A Lemonhead
21. Song you listened to: Not sure
22. Last thing you drank: Water
23. Place you went to: Work
24. Movie you saw: Gulliver's Travels ('96 made for TV version with Ted Danson)
25. Movie you rented: Streets of Fire
26. Movie you went to: The Dark Knight

Who was the last person you...

27. Hugged: Friend's girlfriend
28. Cried over: Not sure
29. Instant messaged: Some girl I met on a website
30. Danced with: Too long to recall
31. Shared a secret with: Don't know
32. Had a sleepover with: Ex-date
34. Went to a movie with: Probably "Into the Wild" with my mom last Christmas
35. Saw: Co-workers
36. Were angry with: Dad, girl I IMed with, guy on my street I saw litter
37. Couldn't take your eyes off: Don't know

Have you ever...

38. Danced in the rain: No
39. Kissed someone: Yes
40. Done drugs: Yes
41. Drank alcohol: Yes
42. Partied until the sun came up: Yes
43. Had a movie marathon: Yes
44. Gone too far on a dare: No
45. Spun until you are immensely dizzy: Yes

My life...

46. School you go to: Graduated
47. Name: Will
48. Gender: Male
49. Birthday: June 25
50. Relationship status: Single
51. Number of siblings: One
52. State or province: IL
53. I'm feeling: Bored
54. I'm listening to: Ambulance sirens on Michigan Avenue 22 stories below
55. I'm doing this: No work to be done and an hr before I go to second job
56. I'm talking to: Nobody
57. I'm craving: A drink or some weed
58. I'm thinking of: That SNL Celebrity Jeopardy episode where Sean Connery mocked Alex Trebek by writing the answer "Craven Moorhead" to a question so Trebek would ask who was "craving more head"
59. I'm hating: Almost everyone

Love...

60. Love is: Not a part of my life
61. My first love: Bronwyn
62. Love or lust: Both
63. Best love song: A Thousand Stars, by Kathy Young and the Innocents
64. Possible to be in love with more than one person at a time: Yes
65. When love hurts: Try pot
66. Are you in love: No
67. Opposite/same sex: Opposite
68. Turn ons: Sense of humor, chubby tummy, red lipstick, freckles
69. Turn offs: Girls who want me to protect them
70. Does your parents' opinion on your boyfriend/girlfriend matter to you? No
71. What kind of hairstyle are you in: Shave my head with a razor every 2-4 weeks
72. What is the sweetest thing a guy/girl can do for you: Eat
73. Where do you go to meet new people: Nowhere
74. Are you the type of person to HOLLA and ask for numbers: I don't "holla"

Picky Picky...

75. Dog or cat: Dog
76. Short or long hair: Short
77. Sunshine or rain: Rain
78. Hugs or kisses: Kisses
79. Xbox or PS2: Neither
80. Written letter or e-mails: Letter
81. Cars or motorcycles: Car
82. Coke or Pepsi: Either one
83. House party or dance: Dance
84. Freak or slow dance: Slow dance

Lately...

85. How are you today: A bit bored
86. What pants are you wearing right now: Black dress pants
87. What song are you listening to right now: Nothing
88. How is the weather right now: Hot, sunny
89. Last person you talked to online: Some girl I met online Sunday
90. Last person you talked to on the phone: Stepfather
91. Last dream: I was at an auto race circa 1966

Palin Announces Daughter Is Pregnant

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 18:31:03 GMT

Okay, I know this isn't exactly new news now, but I did get a cackle or two out of the media's profile of possible VP Sarah Palin's soon-to-be son-in-law, who proudly describes himself as a "total fucking redneck", expresses his love of dirt bikes, camping, and "shooting the shit" with his buddies, and makes sure to add that if "ya fuck with me", he'll kick your ass. I'll bet the VP candidate must be so proud.

http://www.nypost.com/seven/09012008/news/nationalnews/palin_admits_her_17_year_old_daughter_is_127025.htm

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 16:51:01 GMT

I experience a brief bit of elation as I finally get down to bizness and create rudimentary versions of some of my old copywriting. A few months ago, I was up for a job with an ad agency in St. Joseph, Michigan, that mainly handled work for the Whirlpool Corporation. They gave me a test, which included coming up with brief slogans, full ad copy, and even naming a potential new product. It was actually kind of fun to do and it won me a lengthy interview. Unfortunately, I didn't get the job after all, but it rekindled the idea that maybe I can do more than the admin work I've handled in the past. Since then, I've gotten a job that requires writing and research, and I'm no longer an executive assistant, but it's still temp and I know that even a temp copywriter would probably be making ten dollars more per hour, which could lead to a ridiculous permanent salary.

After months upon months of looking for work, I've really slacked off in trying to find something better. To my credit, I did find another part-time job, and the only thing I don't care for in this full-time position is the pay. It's not shit, but I think I can do better.

Hence, I spent a little time fudging up some ads, using my copy and a few pics of products I found online. I don't dare look for jobs while I'm here...while I doubt they're really watching what sites I visit, I have a nice big monitor so that anyone can see what I'm up to. It's not worth the risk (and it gives me an excuse to fuck off a bit longer).

I have to work tonight, so I figure I'll start searching for jobs tomorrow and see what comes up.

I went downstairs and called my stepfather and asked him for $100 loan for the next two weeks. I even offered to send him a postdated check. He told me that my mom would get back to me about it, which pissed me off. Goddamned cheapskate...they own their own home and two cars and can't give me a crummy hundred bucks that I'll pay them back in two weeks? Jesus, what a family.

Also had a portion of Sloppy Joe mix, made with ground turkey, red onion, ketchup, BBQ sauce, and chili powder. Hope it holds me off for the next few hours.

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 15:17:05 GMT

Well, the weekend is over. I finished off the whole fifth of Seagrams, made a McDonald's run, and said bye-bye to booze and junk food. I barely slept last night. I may have passed out for awhile, but I remember it being something like 3 am and I was lying awake (but with my eyes closed). I didn't feel sick this morning, but was in no mood to eat.

My bike ride to work was somewhat lackluster, though I told myself that after a weekend full of alcohol and junk food, I shouldn't expect to be at my best. I did admonish myself to try harder on the way home since I would have no alcohol in me, would have eaten a proper meal (so far, just a peach and a cup of cottage cheese), and would have to get going to my second job. I also won't have a full pack on my back...I brought in a pound and a half of Sloppy Joe mix (I'm forgoing the buns) and a three-pound tub of cottage cheese, as well as some peaches. I figure that will hold me through the rest of the week. I know I'm going to keep forgetting that it's Tuesday, not Monday, but weekends are pretty meaningless to me now. Maybe they'll be more fun in a few weeks, when I can actually go out and do something.

Yuck...my fat co-worker must have some sort of sinus problems...she keeps snorting and coughing up phlegm. Reminds me of my first college roommate, who had a terminal cold and would not just cough up phlegm, but then smack his lips in his sleep so that you could practically feel the warm, sticky goo in his mouth and throat. Uck!

I note once again that everyone who comes by says hi to my two co-workers and ignores me. I tell myself not to be offended, since it's not like I'm dying to hang out with these people, but it does make me feel a bit more inconsequential.

Mon, 01 Sep 2008 22:21:53 GMT

The anger begins not long after noon. I keep hearing the bumping bass from the cars down below and wonder if anyone fucking listens to anything but incomprehensible rap or shrill salsa music, and wish I lived somewhere where they'd price these fuckheads out.

I go to the store for booze. I figure I'll just get two forties, but stop halfway to 7-Eleven because I'm sick of seeing the Pakis with their thick sideburns and reproachful looks and the way they ignore my attempts to be friendly and figure I'll make some Seven-and-Sevens instead.

The grocery store is full of people stocking up for Labor Day. Everyone is dressed like utter slobs in souvenir T-shirts and shorts. I grab a fifth of Seagram's 7 and think about picking up some cherries. On the way to the fruit section, I remember that I've got peaches and pears at home and instead detour through the candy section. There are two fat black women perusing the selection and I say "Excuse me", but they ignore me and I'm stuck for a few awkward seconds until one of them moves over, not to let me through, but to check out some more of the stock. It flashes through my head to just shove the bitch out of the way and ignore her tantrum, but I pause and just go around them, mumbling "Rude fucking cunt" loud enough for them to hear. I grab two 2L of Diet Seven-Up and smirk as I smoothly go through the self-checkout while the line next to me is stalled.

On the way back, under the El tracks, some black guy maybe my age makes a show of wadding up the paper plate from the slice of pizza he just stuffed down his throat and tossing it into the street as if he were slam-dunking it. I'm dying to stop him, to embarrass him, and instead I simply say "Thanks for littering up my neighborhood, shitbag." I hope he hears me because there's some crazy part of me that really, really wants him to get mad and start ranting at me so I can pop him in the mouth and shove him into the way of a moving vehicle, but he either ignores me or doesn't hear.

Three or four drinks later, I decide to indulge in Taco Bell. The nearest location is across from Wrigley and the Cubs are playing the Astros. I silently hope the Cubs lose big, both because it'll bum out the crowds of fans teeming to get into the park and also because the Astros have better-looking uniforms. I could care less otherwise.

Mon, 01 Sep 2008 13:59:20 GMT

It's been a fairly uneventful weekend. The store didn't have me scheduled yesterday or today, so I was left to fend for myself. I took a look at my bank account and it appears that the debt consolidation people have fucked up again. Six weeks ago, when I was unemployed, I had asked them to cancel my direct debit, since I simply didn't have the money and wanted to avoid an overdraft fee, especially since I had no income-comin'-in to cover it later. They fucked it up, doing the draft and getting me slapped with several overdraft fees for smaller items I had bought, mainly food, figuring I was safe. Now it looks like they have canceled the direct debit after I told them to never mind and keep taking the money out each month since I had a job. Worse, they told me that once I had canceled a debit, they couldn't put me back on and I would be forced to get a certified check every month, which probably has some nominal fee attached. Dammit! I'm going to call them tomorrow, but I'm guessing that nothing will get done. I'm just hoping that I can get a check to them soon enough to pay off stuff for the next month...they already screwed up one set of payments when the company was switching banks in July and I started getting calls from creditors.

Still, I did some math and assured myself that within two weeks, my finances should be back in order and, if I'm careful, I'll be able to pay all my bills, eat pretty much what I want within reason (to me, this doesn't mean regular lunches on Rush Street, but rather that I can cook what I want and treat myself to steak on Sunday nights), and keep myself supplied with weed. I'll still have a few hundred after all this due to my second job, which I plan to save until the holiday season...I know the more I pay towards my credit cards, the cheaper it'll be in the long run, but I still don't feel 100 percent secure about employment after all that's happened in the last year.

I went to this site called Fantasy Feeder which features girls who are into my little quirky fetish and IMed some girl. She responded about 30 seconds later and we talked for awhile. She actually seemed semi-cool and I was enjoying talking to her, but she asked for a break to pick some friend up from the airport or some shit like that...it sounded like a slightly phony excuse, but I wanted a break from talking as well. We agreed to meet back an hour and a quarter later. She never showed. I'm not saying I was crushing on this girl...she's pretty big even for my standards and looking at her numerous pics, I got an uneasy feeling. Like most of the girls I dated, she looked pretty good in some and some others could have been evidence in a case of second-degree buttpluggery. Still, I can't help but wonder if she left because she was bored with me or if she had a legitimate reason. I haven't heard from her since. When we talked, I was pretty honest about myself, though I didn't say anything about having a second job. I found out early on that she wasn't turned on by the whole "domination" thing the way the other girls I dated were, so I didn't feel it necessary to start a dialogue about my feelings regarding my looks. I talked a little about not liking that whole domination thing and she seemed to agree, but I left it at that. Thinking back, I can't really feel too remorseful. I mean, the chick was a fucking PAGAN, which is better than being a Christian but still kind of pathetic...I mean, what, does she do, pray to "Mother Earth" or "Gaia" or some bullshit like that? When you think about it, she just sounds like another idiot who probably sneaks a cucumber out of the fridge at 3am and imagines some insipid fantasy involving David Boreanaz or that blond guy "Spike". Jesus. I already dated one idiot who was into vampires and that was enough for me. You'd think someone in their mid-20s would know better.

I've been thinking a lot about this idea of just lying about who I am to people, within reason. I figure that image means a lot more than people want to admit, and though I would never say I went to Harvard or anything, I figured it wasn't necessary to be totally candid, either. I already lie enough at job interviews, so I figured that maybe that could work in real life, as well. However, I kept thinking, "What do you really want? Sure, you can lie to get a hot girlfriend, but there are two problems with that. First off, you want a girlfriend so you CAN be honest with someone. Most guys just want something hot to fuck, but you don't care that much about sex. Second, considering what does turn you on, you probably don't have to lie too much since most guys aren't into bigger girls, etc." It's a strange situation...I figure that being honest hasn't gotten me very far in life and maybe this incident yesterday only continues to prove that. This morning, I was thinking "Maybe you need to forget about having a girlfriend, think about other things that would make you happy." I long ago abandoned the idea of having some steady group of friends - I've always preferred one-on-one contact anyway - and I figured that I'd rather have a girl in my life than a bunch of guys anyway. I like girls better...I sort of saw myself as one of those guys who'd just get a girlfriend and have his social life revolve around her, but now I'm starting to wonder if the girlfriend thing is really something worth pursuing. I keep asking myself: "What do you REALLY want out of life? What would really make you happy, and what is possible?"

Loneliness and lack of money are the two major depressors in my life. Now I'm starting to wonder if being alone is something to accept. I mean, I think I can probably get a better job and maybe I could just pay off my debts, get a better place next year, and be happy in being able to buy nicer clothes, pay all my bills, and have enough left over to amuse myself. I don't really talk to anyone about this because I know I'll just get a lot of bullshit about how Money Doesn't Matter. I can't remember where, but I heard some line in a movie or on TV that I keep thinking of. Some rich, bitchy woman sneers at someone else's depression and says, "Please. Anyone who says money can't buy happiness doesn't know where to shop."

I'm feeling kind of confused.

The Long Weekend

Sat, 30 Aug 2008 13:10:35 GMT

It just sort of hit me that there's three days ahead and I have nothing planned other than working four hours tonight...I don't know what my schedule is beyond that.

I could have gone up north to see my mom, but most of my time would be spent watching lousy TV and maybe spending a day hanging out with my cousins. I'd get a few good meals out of it, but it's not worth the fare.

I could have gone east and visited my dad, but that would get boring quick. I don't know what to say to my "new family" even though they've been cordial and all. My brother is OK in small doses, but he's mostly good for getting weed, and I still owe him $150 for the last batch. John and I are apparently on the outs...we haven't spoken since we fought after Lollapalooza.

Boy, my life feels empty.

Rest

Sat, 30 Aug 2008 03:35:12 GMT

Phil Collins' "One More Night" is going through my head as I slump onto my couch, glad that the day is officially over.

I made another decent run of it home and ended up clocking in nearly 15 minutes late. I encountered the store manager as well as my apparent boss and told them that while I could make it in by 6:30, scheduling me at 6 was probably going to result in more late days. I just can't bike home, shower, change, and get to the store in an hour's time, even if I fudge things a bit at my other job.

It was more of the same tonight...it's a pretty low-pressure job and the four hours went by at a decent pace. I swear that at least one person spent two hours shopping, this skinny African-looking guy. Some Indian guy asked me where he could find frozen "chowder beans", which I had never heard of and seemed to be discontinued. He pointed out the scar on the back of my head (from my hair transplant surgeries); only two people have been rude enough to do so. He asked if I had surgery and I told him I had a brain transplant because I "used up the last one" and he didn't seem to get the sarcasm anyway.

I was asked to "face" the soft drink aisle as well as frozen food, and I decided to be a diligent worker and asked if there were other sections I could help out in. The dickcheese manager instead told me to "false face" the frozen food section, namely pulling all the product to the front of the rack so there was a solid wall. He was slightly a cock about it, but as I rearranged the goods, I laughed to myself as I recalled a scene from "Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey", where two evil robotic clones of the pair take their real-life counterparts out to the desert. The real Ted tells his robot clone that he feels cold and the robot replies, "Shut up, Ted." Bill says to the real Ted: "Dude, that other you is a real dick", and Ted replies: "Yeah...I'll have to learn to be more considerate to myself when I become him." Even as my fingers started to get cold, I found myself laughing.

Although the job seems low-pressure, I find myself thinking: "This is your punishment for being so stupid. While the rest of the world chills out on a Friday night, secure in their paychecks and lives, you go out to your second job", although, honestly, I wouldn't be doing much more tonight than watching a movie or going online.

I work again tomorrow from 6 to 10 and I don't know after that. Sigh...a long three-day weekend. Now that I have a regular job I don't mind, I don't look forward to weekends anymore...it's just more time to fill up, usually by drinking.